I'm not the school principal

I am Fermi Wong. I wish to tell you a story. It took place in 2001. It was not long after I helped find school placements for some ethnic minority children. They did not know Chinese as a language and could not catch up with the others in school for the Chinese class, failing to complete even the most basic homework. I therefore transformed my office into a small tutorial centre, giving supplementary Chinese lessons to about a dozen of primary 4 to 6 ethnic minority children who came after school. Among them was a 6-year-old Nepalese boy who came with some other Nepalese children senior in age and who spoke neither Chinese nor English. He was sweet and well behaved. When I asked, with the other children translating, why he was not in school uniform, He did not say anything. But on the following day, he came wearing a white shirt and grey shorts. I asked him again, what about your school bag? He said he did not have one. So I gave him one as a present. He came in with the school bag on the third day. In there were an exercise book and a pencil case. And don’t you have books? I enquired. So on the fourth day, he had in his bag a few used storybooks. “How come there is no school badge on your uniform” was another of my questions. He did not say anything but continued to come learn Chinese everyday. He always completed the exercises I gave him as homework. Another week was past when a Nepalese man came for me in the class. He introduced himself as the father of the boy and said he wished to see and thank the “school principal” in person for allowing his child a chance to study. Thinking that he might have come to the wrong place, I was about to take him to the school when he uttered my name, “Fermi Wong”. I instantly clarified with him that I was no school principal but a social worker that wished to help ethnic minority children learn Chinese by giving free tutorial classes. The father was surprised at my explanations. If this is not a school then where could the boy have been all these days always since early morning? I told him what I saw over the past two weeks. He listened; much taken aback but soon came to realize what actually had happened. I saw tears running down the face of this man in his thirties. The man had arrived in Hong Kong for about 6 months. He worked in a construction site for more than ten hours a day. His wife was still in Nepal. He did not have any time, nor did he know how, to find a school for the boy. But then one morning, while he was still unsure of what to do, he found the boy was going to school with other children in the neighborhood. The kid came back that evening saying that the school principal had required him to put on the school uniform. With heartfelt gratitude, the father thought his fellow compatriots had helped to secure a school place for the boy. It was at that point that the man came to realize what could have been the story: every morning, his 6-year-old boy would travel from Tsuen Wan where he lived to Yaumatei where the school was with the other children, only to stay and wait for them outside the school till it finished. Every morning, this little boy would leave home at 7 am, and from 8 am to after 3 pm; he would be sitting outside the school waiting to come to my tutorial class with the others. No wonder the boy had told his father that he had to wait for a long time before he could attend classes, and that classes were always short. I listened to the man speaking in tear and my heart was saddened. I was sorry for my misunderstanding and promised to do my best to find the boy a school place. But before long, the man decided to send the boy back to his home village in Nepal where the mother was. I saw this kid again recently. The whole family is going to move to UK. He still does not know much about Chinese but he continues to take me as his school principal. Every youngster I have met in the ethnic minority community has an untold story of his or her own. Every face, every eyesight, every drop of tears, every laughter tells a true story of life and dignity. I have promised myself – I will not again allow any child I know be deprived of the chance of education either because of my heedlessness or as a result of the faulty system

The Coaching Process for Inner Reflection

PCA(Parentcoachalliance) Forum 13/3/09
Place: Japanese Club

Coach Lee facilitated the parent group to aware how different values among people created conflicts and how different forms of emotions reflected our values. This happens between parent-child, aged mom-daughter... Everyone is unique, we learn to be more appreciative and let go "my way". Summer led the discussion on " personal experience in being a parent coach" " How we listen to kids". The group shared a lot of experiences and we're empowered to trust our kids more, knowing that all of us are not perfect. Using 1 word to wrap up by everyone, we need to be Pure and Humble to Aware, Trust and Reflect so that we're Empowered to see the Depth and Fire of Change. What a fruitful evening!

coach Selene

情人節

從前傳媒/商人宣傳情人節時，多著重男女感情，當我未拍拖時便感到有些壓力。近年來宣傳的對象則比較廣氾，其實能視情人節為一個機會向親人，摰友，朋友，同事表達欣賞或多謝，反而令人感到溫暖在人間。我問兒子：你認為愛是什麼？ 兒子說：是大家對大家很好。
愛，永遠最無敵，聖經也說愛，願你細味並共勉之：

「我若能說萬人的方言，並天使的話語，卻沒有愛，我就成了鳴的鑼，響的鈸一般。
我若有先知講道之能，也明白各樣的奧祕，各樣的知識，而且有全備的信，叫我能夠移山，卻沒有愛，我就算不得什麼。
我若將所有的賙濟窮人，又捨己身叫人焚燒，卻沒有愛，仍然於我無益。
愛是恆久忍耐，又有恩慈；愛是不嫉妒；愛是不自誇，不張狂
不做害羞的事，不求自己的益處，不輕易發怒，不計算人的惡，
不喜歡不義，只喜歡真理；
凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。
愛是永不止息。先知講道之能終必歸於無有；說方言之能終必停止；知識也終必歸於無有。…
如今常存的有信，有望，有愛這三樣，其中最大的是愛。」
(哥林多前書13章)

coach Selene

開年

年初二的早晨，一家人差不多十時才起床，真是睡得痛快。我們往麥記吃早餐，看聖經，三口子分享聖經的信念，然後在十分清靜的公園邊行邊祈禱。到了籃球場，我們玩三人籃球，最後玩比賽，以10分為勝，爸爸對兩母子，賽程緊湊激烈，爸爸3: 0領先，母子組追至 3:3，跟著是8:7領先，爸爸追至 9: 8，母子組追至 9和，決定贏2分方為勝，母子組竟然入了多一球，最後，也是最興奮的一刻，就是兒子入了決定性的一球，母子組以11:9勝出了！雖然比賽過程里，爸爸沒有太認真阻礙入球，母子組也曾出茅招捉住爸爸， 但mark球搶球時也很氣喘，母子組是十分落力和投入的，而且最鼓勵莫過於兒子入最後一球。當我假裝記者訪問兒子學習了什麼時，他說：「原來每人有他的個人能力。」在訪問中，母子組將進軍美國NBA，爸爸則往澳門接受反茅策略訓練。開年，開得很開心。
coach Selene

Confidence Coaching

Building confidence is in the mind or attitude rather than in skills. Coaching is one of the best ways to help rediscovering the confidence what seems to have disappeared. People who often lacking confidence are high achievers and they feel their works never good enough. The fact most have ability to carry tasks to a very high standard but not good enough only to themselves, therefore giving up. So confidence is a mindset matter rather than skillset. Therefore I don't have a list of skills to give or steps pertaining to build confidence. However, since confidence can't be taught but appreciate through experience of successes, we could coach people ( assuming they want to be coached) to set goals, take actions and enjoy the fruits of their actions which in turn make them feel good, thereby rebuilding the confidence. So it's a simple process of commitment by the coachee to set goal, take action and repeat and apply them to other endeavors. Only the coachee could make it fly.

SK

Mindset

Read a great book called Mindset, the New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. The book rekindles many coaching concepts that have been using by coaches. Mindset determines the success of many endeavors that at first appear in futile but by having a growth mindset helps people to tackle these futile hard works as learning experiences. According to Carol, parents usually over praise their children performance and brilliance and ignore praising their efforts and hard works that contribute to the successes. As a result, children feel gifted are not willing to try again after failing. There's one misconception that if they're so brilliant they wouldn't have to do things many times. By continue trying signals they're not that brilliant after all. That's one of the resaons many children don't want to try again and again after failing. But the truth of the matter is the mentality of continue trying and putting efforts is the key to most successes, not the sudden brilliance.

2008

2008 has been a year of reflection. That includes all aspects of my life: financial, physical, spiritual, relational, mental (personal growth), and psychological. Not a small feast when one has to take into account every of above and do it in a way that balances a life. I'm not interested to rate against my previous years. I know what were the gains and losses. I wouldn't like to fall into the trap of going after bigger goals every year. It will become a never-ending story of self-indulging games that may cause so much suffering for many people and I don't want to be like that.
I admit I could have worked a little harder, made a bit more money, completed my doctorate, written another book and found a dozen more clients. I could have done all that still find not enough and not feel fulfilled. I tend to take life as it flow. If it comes, it comes. If not, that's okay too. As it turned out , although a little poorer financially just like a lot of my friends, I maintain the stamina to complete coming three marathons. I also admit I need to add a bit spice on my spiritual study that has not been as real to me nowadays than say three years ago. I believe I'm more philosophical to deal with many life issues such as flabby body shape or crow legs around my eyes. All these are signs of aging and are slowly accepted them signs with grace. The most rewarding areas to me is to maintain new found friendships resulted in hiking activities. Relationship with family has always been my foundation and strong suit, although there are challenging times as my children become teenagers who have been my inspiration and without them my life wouldn't have fulfilled. I'm grateful for that.

Leverage

Writing a chapter in my new book called leverage in coaching context. What does it mean to most people about "leverage" ? In investment world, it has become a "doggy" word which has caused calamities in the world because of the leverage that most investors went crazy creating the investment bubble that's fueled by none the less the easy money policy of the US Federal Reserve. The boom and bust that goes with investment and economy could have the same effect in coaching world. The leverage we use in the form of borrowed favors from family and friends, if without accountability and introspection when is enough could prove damaging as well. So living and doing within our means is the key to maintain the form of stable relationship that could make things a lot easy. Current situation of deleveraging process in business world is as painful as one could imagine, that unwinding the borrowings and going back to basic need adjustment slowly. In relationship, that's also true

Men and Women

In the process of writing a book on men and women relationship, particularly in a marriage. Many books have been written about marriage which is the most important relationship of all in a family setting. Although many experts argue children are just well brought up even in a broken family situation, given choice, a family intact which has good marital relationship is surely a preference over a family fallen apart.
So what is impasse that causes the eventual fallout? Perhaps, men and women need to pay a bit attention on style of communication. Here are two key sentiments we need to take into account in communication that could save the marriage in the end.
Men compete in the position of "Status" and Women in the position of "Connection". So you hear women sharing thoughts and feelings that earn them closeness among family and friends. That's the connection they are after. You also hear men awfully quiet at home but in workplaces or in public, they could speak hours. That's the status as an expert they are after. All these tendencies have a lot to do with brought up as men and women. Men believe in logic, information, facts, hierarchy while women into feeling, connection, and caring. These qualities chunked out different personalities. Without awareness, they could spell world of differences that resulted in bad relationship.

Parenting

In today's world, parenting is about letting your children developing into something what they want instead of stamping them into conformity. In essence, it's how coaching all about. It's hard in the beginning and it's frightening, confronting all these devilish thoughts that letting go of control means our children will fall into abysmal pits that will never recover from the ills. That fact letting our children developing into what they want is the surest way to nurture responsible children who will develop the character of their own.

More Single Women!

In today's world, more and more women are finding themselves left out of the institution of marriage. Some opt out deliberately, but others tried but couldn't find right ones for the life commitment. People wonder what went wrong. From numbers, there is nothing wrong. In Hong Kong, there are too few of straight or good men for all straight or good women, and so women caught in a game of musical chair in which a percentage of women are going left standing in this game.
In 2001, a survey showed there is 2 to 1 ratio of more gay men and lesbian women. Numerically speaking, number adds up to more men, by virtue of women supply in the mainland or mortality rate that younger men prone to accidents that cause death by accidents, suicides, homicides or drowning etc.. All these point to far more women left out in a game of marriage than one reason stood out in the press; that is mainland inevitably offers more choices of women for Hong Kong men. So it's a host of reasons why we find more women enjoying single life than previous generations. In fact the more unattached women in Hong Kong, the more harmony there will be. Most historians will say more unattached men leads to war and a society with more unattached women will lead to peace.

Two books from Obama

Read two his books: The Audacity of Hope which is his second book, an excellent book, recounting his ambition in running offices first as a State Senator, a US Senator and then the President. Clearly articulated philosophies as depicted in the book will determine his way of governing the US. Even more interesting is his first book " Dreams From My Father". The book was written before all his plan of running offices. The clear disclosure of his past made the reading a lot more interesting. The book is his autobiography, showing his inner feel bright and dark sides of Obama and also as a human being, smoke, drinks, drugs and womanizing which filled in his darker days. The fact he was raised by a single parent family set another example that you don't need a full function family with Mom and Dad to become great.

Won at last

Have been staying all day to watch return of US presidential election. As predicted by most polls, there you have the president elected Obama, a bittersweet experience with towering problems to be handled in the US and around the world. A collapsing economy and two wars still pending, it's no feast for anyone who leads in this dire situation. Nevertheless, good start.

Obama

At time of this writing, we have no way to conclude Obama gonna be elected as the president. Looking at his history as a black American, raised in mixed race family in 60's, admittedly a lot easier in Hawaii than in continent, it's still required nerve of steel from his grandmother who has been Obama's stone in the family and has the significant place in his heart. When I heard the news she has just died before highly probable that Obama will be elected, it's sad she couldn't stay alive a couple more days to hear the news.

The fact Obama went to the best schools in America and got himself elected (I'm pretty sure) sent a huge signal to all children in the world. If you dare to dream and set your goals, you will have a chance to make it big in a way you like. To elect a black president by Americans is beyond wildest imagination taking Americans generally being perceived as a conservative people and racial intolerant particularly in midwestern and southern states (my experience as a student studied in the States in 70's). Okay, it was 30 years ago, but I never thought in my life time, I will see something happened as unthinkable as this. I read a comment from a prominent Chicagoan city councilman saying something "As black folks always say, when they let us (white people) take over, you know things are pretty dire." It's truly a world turn up side down, in a good way.

Parental Control

What is one thing that most parents fear – losing control! To lose control it’s a scary experience when we in our life learn to take control of everything. We take control of our parent as infant ensuring they will be there when we are hungry. Although we don’t know how to say it, we sure were an expert of getting their attention by crying or tantrums. By retaining their attention and getting them to do what we want is very a fine example of controlling. As we grow older, we exercise control whenever we can to get our way. If we are not getting what we want, there is naturally tendency we will be anxious, frustrated and angry. We fight back and resort to the skills we learned, we fight, we threaten, and we nag until we get what we want. All these are no more than forms of controlling.

Think about a situation that you will lose control and let others to determine your way of doing, we feel anxious as if part of you are falling in a deep void. The tendency to control is vividly imprinted in our DNA that when we become parents, the same things that we want to control our children. So it becomes a struggle to tell us; I’m doing it for their good. As result, we struggle as a parent wanting in control but acting as if we are doing it for children’s sake. But we know in the end it’s their life and they need to make it on their own. What a way to struggle! I guarantee that’s how things operate most of times in parents’ minds

Burning issues for parents who have teenage lads and lasses

Have been presenting many talks lately particularly to parents who have teenage boys and girls. The burning issues are nothing new and happen every generations. The old scheme of things repeatedly happen nowadays also happened when we were teenagers, with one exception I admit the computer there was none when I was young. The three burning issues often talk about are computer time, bad attitude and coming home late. Are these really issues? Think about from teenagers' side of coin. They are the ones undergoing physical, psychological, emotional, relational, academic, identity changes so on and so on.... Many these changes are new to them and very difficult to deal with. I often believe, teenagers are the toughest species of human form we parents should give them more credits than they deserve. It's not they are any holier than others but the process of changes they need to deal with in teenage years are way too much for anyone to handle. No wonder it creates such frictions with authorities, be them parents, teachers, adults, school, establishments of any sort. Their pendulum swing of emotion and thoughts often create erratic behavior, merry at one minute and hellish another. Talk about unpredictable or irrational creatures that scare many parents who often desperately seek counsel from variety sources books or expertise to deal with them.
Being a parent of three teenagers, I also fall into the trap of passing judgment sometimes, I mange to do better nowadays to maintain conversation and understand where they come from when particular unexplainable behavior popped up. We parents need to broaden our boundary in dealing with teenage sons and daughters. The three often burning issues that often come to be discussed in my workshop are computer ,late coming home and bad attitude, these are resulted in lack of trust and communication between parents and teenagers which could be dealt with openness and patience as a start. Don't hurry into discussion as you want answers straight away. Being parents of teenage bunch could be most wonderful experiences that every parent should enjoy.

Proud Dad

With a such lay back character as a father, I come to realize the less I'm involved to indoctrinate my beliefs, the more my sons and daughter gain as young adults. Since I decided not to involve and to mess around their grades, Haywood my son has achieved something extraordinary in recent GCSE examination. His grade on Business Studies subject in GCSE examination just published last week was graded as one of ten highest score in the world. To me, it's astonishing and couldn't help to announce the good news to other ParentCoaches

繪畫

暑假期間，我報了一個繪畫班，繪畫過程中，有時我會站遠些看自己繪畫技巧和印象，這時我會有另一種看法和感覺，然後會調較比前好。原來繪畫也好像人生，近距離視野帶來侷促，過於專注就享受不到那份自由。退一步擴闊視野，才有空間鬆一口氣，看清自己到底想怎樣。

coach Selene

We Will Rock You

Have been a dire hard rock fan for decades. Led Zeppelin, The Queen, The Beatles, The Who, Aerosmith, Deep Purple, Grand Funk, Jimi Hendrick are my favorites. I could listen to them all days and never got tired. My sons and daughter also like hard rock, heavy metal rock which contain lyrics that would not be normally accepted by parents. I know my children risk their soul being tainted by this sub culture and that's the risk I am willing to take as a parent. My daughter and I went to Rock Musical - We Will Rock You, a musical story created based Queen's twenty two songs. I had a wonderful time that reminds me when I watched- The Jesus Christ Superstar back in 70's about the same age as my daughter now. There have been so much saying about how rock affects negatively on young generation. But rock has been one of the cultures that have been around over half century. Clearly the world would not be the same had the Rock culture not been around last fifty years. The generation so called @ Baby boomers@ would not have the nostalgic time that most could reminisce the free in the 60's, the creative in that 70's that paved the free spirit this generation can enjoy.

I like this quote

"When we get beyond resentment and denial over the conditions of life and death and we accept our situation, life ceases to be a problem and we become authentic and compassionate".
Dr. Raj Persaud, Motivated Mind

Family Coaching Book

Contemplating a possible family coaching book for readers. The more I think about it the more I see the need to put my experience in use, particularly my humble ways to look at what it takes to be good moms and dads. On news alluded repeatedly in paper, TV and radio, tragic episodes on family mishaps appear almost daily. I take the fact media mostly reports bad news. I 'm sure there are numerous good news in the community which lack of catchy features, therefore eluding opportunity being carried in the news. Basic elements that constitute good relationship in the family stem from marital basis. The book I consider writing hopefully co-authoring with others is full of explicit examples how and what to do.

Keys to Coaching Success

Read many coaching books which explain coaching process, what it takes to be successful and others. These explanations sum up to simple yet difficult points 1) set unadulterated goal 2) get resources to get it done 3) track the progress. These three steps are absolutely important if one were to be successful in any endeavor. Clearly, it's a lot more difficult done than said. First we all suffer goal conflicts which dilute the attention to attain the goals. How we weigh what is more important than others? Second, goal conflict also takes away resources that may need to achieve the results. We all have limited time, money , connections that need to get job done. Unadulterated goal is more a myth than reality when it's weighted against the complexity of life and different roles we wear as individual, father, student, husband, boss, subordinate etc.... Final, tracking the progress, it's by far the most important but often being ignored. Without tracking the progress, we don;t know how we are doing whether we are off and how far from the target. In coaching that how we measure the success of coaching process whether it's worth paying for the services. Any one of three essences that constitutes successful coaching is a must for a coach to grasp.

Gottman's four horsemen that surely bring an end to a marriage

Four Horsemen that surely bring an end to a marriage

Read John Gottman’s “Four-Horsemen of Apocalypse” in which he heralds four factors that will inevitably end couple’s relationship – criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. How many times we couples are using one of if not all these horsemen to ensure winning of verbal battle against your spouse. You might win a battle but lose a war. Professor Gottman remarks most healthy couple usually has 5 to 1 ratio to say positive things compared to negative comments. Healthy couples will conscious be aware of these four horsemen, ensuring that they would not be used as often to harm the relationship, particularly for those couples who have married for a long time taking their spouse for granted, trumping these horsemen in a battle, eventually making all losers with no winners in sight.

What did we learn as parents?

One of the most often heard comments from parents is their kids are nailed to the seats for computer games or appear doing something that parents are not comfortable in front of the computer (when asked what they are not comfortable about, parents couldn't name any specific). The debate over the usage of computer by our kids is long and acrimonious. Experts have loads of advices helping parents what can and can't be done in order to regulate the usage of kid's computer time. Not only these experts dispute how kid's computer time should be regulated, they also dispute the time kids are allowed to use the computer. Parents are given the plethora of methods which offer a solution that you could follow particular experts' tenets and no other. I just wonder by regulating the activities that prevent kids to receive information that is not right for them, would there be a better way for parents just to be a part of kid's world and find out what they are actually receiving, and then share with them in whatever form that helps to keep the dialogue going.

Sichuan

The hottest topic around is still wit Sichuan. Yesterday, the council of my hospice care NGO held a meeting and expressed the grave concern on the mental state of these family members who are left alive and orphaned in the calamity. The grieving process takes months sometimes years depending on individual. The fact many agencies showing good intention have sent volunteered counselors in this stage has little effect for the needy. Bereavement is a healing process that time plays an important part. The council suggests that let things get settled before sending in volunteers and we are aware the long commitment to the process which could take years. We have therefore assigned several hundred thousand dollars as reserve to fund the program and more resource would be forthcoming. We also notice language is a major barrier and the council take a position that our expertise lies with the setting up framework and training to backup local counselors who are in much better position to do the field works. We have experienced some great team works which one won't find among NGOs, not even in Tsunami several years ago.

四川地震

兒子的校長告訴老師們，他們欲談四川地震便做，可以不講書，兒子放學回來，告訴我幾位老師在堂上說一些我不知道的四川地震故事，昨天默哀前，老師也用了一堂關心災情，並在默哀時祈禱。事件初期，兒子捐 $ 10 救災，昨晚，他自發把零用錢儲蓄下來的 $100交給我幫他救災。他平日的儲蓄目標就是買玩具，不捨得買零食，以他 $233的儲蓄而言，願意付出 $100 己經很多。作為學校，它發揮了應有的角色---不單學書本上的知識，也了解和關心世界發生的事，令學生對有需要的人產生同情心，不單顧自己，這就是教育的果效 。
家庭和學校同步，簡直相德益彰。
coach Selene

師奶和兒子

我正在和兒子在房里睡前談心，聽見丈夫在廚房打破了玻璃水瓶，我心里想：「唉，要買個新的了！」兒子卻說：「爸爸一定執玻璃執得很辛苦。」於是，我放下師奶的想法，出去關心丈夫是否要幫忙和叮囑他小心。

Coach Selene

Flying Free

There is a place I call my own
Where I can stand by the sea,
And look beyond the things I've known ,
And dream that I might be free.
Like the bird above the trees
Gliding gently on the breeze,
I wish that all my life I'd be
Without a care and flying free!

But life is not a distant sky
Without a cloud, without rain.
And I can never hope that I
Can travel on without pain

Time goes swiftly on its way,
All too soon we've lost today.
I cannot wait for skies of blue
Or dream so long that life is through.

So life's a song that I must sing,
A gift of love I must share .
And when I see the joy it brings,
My spirits soar through the air.
Like that bird up in the sky ,
Life has taught me how to fly.
For now I know what I can be
And now my heart is flying free!

這是兒子介紹我聽的歌，有興趣者可探訪這網址，可惜找不到一個比較好的音樂版。
kids.niehs.nih.gov/lyrics/flyingfree.htm - 7k

Coach Selene

天是白色的
早上坐在窗前，白色的天空呈現眼前，腦海里突然跳出一個問題：為什麼說天空是藍色的呢？為什麼常見的天空都是白色的呢？為什麼言詞里有蔚藍的天空？為什麼有天藍色？蔚藍的天空往那里去了？

Coach Selene

行山

復活節假期，我們一家三口往悉尼和阿德雷得探望家人，在悉尼曾經行上畢直的藍山 ( Blue mountain)，兒子最初不甚願意，但在下半場，跟著姨丈一馬當先，比我還早完成。在阿德雷得也環繞Granite Island而行。後來Parentsmeetup行大潭水塘，兒子也一起同行 。三個不同的地方，不一樣的樂趣，卻同樣享受于親情、友情和大自然的環境中。我也相信兒子行完藍山，也加添了行山的信心。
行山，從來都不會是我主動提出的活動，但每次的經歷都很有滿足感。我相信有一次，當朋友聚會時，我會作出這個提議。

Coach Selene

Almost lost my life

It was spectacular moment that I wasn't prepared to face. I came into contest with other runners in a 65-kilo run around Hong Kong Island yesterday. The run started at 6am in the morning. It took me 9 hours to complete it. Although it was cool at first but heat start swelling up. By the time it reaches 12 noon. the heat was unbearable and my body was overcome by heat, start feeling chill up to my spine, at which time I knew I might have suffered a heat stroke. I slowed and stayed motionless for 15 minutes under the shade and saw all runner passed me by. At that time I completed only 45 kilometers with 20 to go. With determination that I wasn't prepared to give up by entered into the race as a senior age over 50, I intended to complete it regardless of time. I continued working on my pace and started regain some of lost energy. Timing on my first leg which was 3 hours for the first 35 kilometers was a lot faster than my second leg which took me almost 6 hours to complete. It's a horrific experience as if death just passed me by. The momentary lost of sense in front of my eyes which I've never experienced prompted me to think whether I was making a right decision to continue the race. I was thinking if I would have dropped out at that moment when I felt ill, I might have felt more responsive as a husband and father.

非一般的老師

今天往兒子學校觀課，有一位老師是年青人，但當他說到香港六十年代的歷史，他的投入和情感，好像他是活在六十年代的人，他亦用了許多問題幫助學生思考。另一位老師是中年人，他是一位很真摯和有趣的旅行攝影家，閱歷丰富，他在教學過程里分享 的是他的人生觀和價值觀，他談到攝影和大自然/人際關係，今天教育追不上媒體...等，我也上了寶貴的一課。這兩位老師特別之處是對自己所体驗所教的充滿熱情和信念，他們分享自己的想法時滲透出生命里的智慧，我看到的是教育，不是教書。我很欣賞他們，也多謝他們是我兒子的老師。

by Coach Selene

Inheritance

The best inheritance a father can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day. ( O Battista)

The finest inheritance you can give to a child is to allow it to make its own way, completely on its own feet. ( Isadora Duncan)

What is the inheritance I can give to my kid?

What is the inheritance you can give to your kid(s)?

It's interesting to think about it.

Ikea Commerical

Just got organized with one of my son's commericials about six years ago with Ikea. I like to share that with you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mN1OYXXDhI

I Have A Dream

Beyond Martin Luther King's famous dream about America, we all have a dream. My dream is when my book co-authored with Bonnie and Selene “ParentCoach”got published in November 2005 which dedicated to parent-child relationship, I dream of families, schools and communities where parents can reflect, learn from experiences, and modify practices by adapting ParentCoach's concept.

As a ParentCoach, I’d like to build my family as an interdependent learning unit in which all members in my family are continually seeking ways to trust, solve problems and learn together. I hope my idea of “future family” can become a sort of family culture in Hong Kong and China.

I also envision a time in which parents become increasingly adept at effective harmonious living with their kids, achieving personal potential while be good models for their kids. I see a world in which many parents have coaching skill and in which ParentCoach strives toward personal state of excellence and help their kids to grow toward harmonious expression of living together.

For this current population of 1.3 billion souls in China including Hong Kong, the global economy works only for minority of its population. The Majority of Chinese people will be left out, joining those who will be born poorer in other places. I dream better parents who constantly create condition or influence their kids about the world in which all can grow and prosper together. If parents choose, they can become ParentCoaches. I envision a more actualized, harmonious world that values work as well as family life, thus giving a brighter future for our children.

Tips being effective parents

Reread parental books in preparation for my thesis. Messages being effective parents keep appear in texts, which could be summarized as follows:

1. Talking friendly with kids - Sound of autocratic and dictatorial parents becomes more and more things of the past. Friendly voice tends to cultivate better communication with children particularly to tweens. As long as maintaining dialogue with kids, we stand better chance to communicate our feeling, thoughts and actions. Friendliness does play a key role in parenting nowadays.

2. Be both firm and kind - When parents decide upon a course of action. They must not vacillate and they must remember to be friendly, non-judgmental and matter-of -fact when applying consequences.

3. Keep your cool - Kids often try to control by getting your attention by tempting various acts to upset you. In other words, they have your buttons and they know when to push them. Responding with anger only fuel heated situation that could spring beyond parent's control. The parent stands better chance of succeeding with his child by remaining cool and matter-of-fact attitude.

4. Utilize encouragements - Parents can encourage children by recognizing effort and contribution not on results. Too focus on results will discourage children because there are often better results ahead. The non-stop chasing of finer results is primary cause of discouragement for most children, resulting kids from stop trying. Encouragement should be given even the child is not entirely successful as long he tried hard.

5. Use logical and natural consequences - Misbehaving children so often not benefit from punishment. Research after research has proved the fact punishment leads to inertial. Instead parents must allow children to experience reality's lessons through the use of logical and natural consequences.

6. Continue learning- Parents must become life learner themselves to be effective as parents. New parental skills may not work at first, but one needs to be patient and rework the skill repeatedly and parents may find one day these skills once being mastered, it becomes very effective in dealing with children. Parents must turn to learning mindset instead of mere relying on conventional wisdom in dealing with kids

How one to become a parent?

I created hundred questions to stimulate my mind. This is one of those. Where do we learn to become parents? Although so few places to learn as parents, yet it's one the most important roles for anyone in the world. The implication is so great that it could derail one's confidence in him/herself. S/he could be top dogs cum big shots in work places or well known dudes that draw envies but very likely still fail easily as parents. So how difficult to become "successful" parents? It's a lot more arduous than you thought, in fact hundred times more arduous. We couldn't take classes or courses to learn to be "successful" parents. Even you tried your best and you could end up feeling like a failure. I often take Gibran's "the Prophet" as the beacon to my parental philosophy which I like to share with you -
-Your children are not your children.
-They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
-They come through you but not from you,
-And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
-You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
-For they have their own thoughts.
-You may house their bodies but not their souls,
-For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
-You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
-For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
-You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
-The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that -His arrows may go swift and far.
-Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
-For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Nelson Mandela

Been married for 17 years. My wife and I were talking about our first trips to Shanghai back in early 90's. The conversation led to one of the highlights of my life which must be counted among very top on my list. I was taking a lift to the top floor for breakfast in Kam Kong Hotel, which was one of the top hotels back then. It was like a dream when I met Nelson Mandela inside the lift whose smile and huge physique has impressed me since then. I never felt more at awe standing side by side with one of the greatest men in the world. He nodded and I addressed "Mr. Mandela, good morning". We shook hands as I were a VIP. I couldn't help but noticed his huge hand that completely dwarfed mine. The sensation derived from that encounter has stayed and imprinted in my memory as my greatest moment. One thing that I regretted is I didn't get his autograph or picture with him. I'll trade almost everything I own to relive that moment again. What a great memory!

Continue the dialogue

Finished the retreat with delights. What a wonderful group of people for mutual sharing! Things won''t stop here. Continue dialogue is the key for growth. Already initiated talks with coaches who joined the retreat and deepen thoughts and feeling how to make life fuller based what's learned in "Personal Freedom". ParentCoach Alliance use REAP model for coaching process which reflects the logical steps how coaching should be conducted. We coaches like to work with a structure that warrants results. That's how we get paid by client. In essence, REAP is more than a model, it's the flight of steps coaches needed in order to get the results. In simpler terms, it means:
1. Let client describe what he wants.
2. Listen and clarify with client
3. Say what is so
4. Listen more with client
5. Request action that may bring client what he wants if he acts
6. Identify choices available
7. Examine commitment how serious the client is for the change
8. Identify action that is right for the client
9. Ensure accountability that client elicited himself

Down! Down! Down!

Super black Monday or Tuesday or not, the falls on stock markets worldwide must have made chicken out of many when they watched the markets plummeting endlessly, thereby dipping into the wealth of many investors. Worry? Of course, it has the detrimental effect on people's psychology where businesses will hold back hiring and people will spend less in the midst of uncertainties what lie ahead. People tend to talk less when anxious, particularly so with men who famously keep emotion inside more so than women. This is the time when testing of maturity among married couples become conspicuous. So stay cool, not antagonized, especially to spouse and kids. After all it's only money.

Sir Edmund Dies

Who is Sir Edmund? For those who are hikers and trekers, Sir Edmund Hilliary is a familiar name and he was the first climber reached the peak of Mt. Everest. He died yesterday at the age 88, an eminent figure in his day, still an elevated figure in hiking world today. His achievement not only confined to record breaking feast with Tenzing Norgay, his Sherpa guide to reach the top in 1953, but he has done a great deal thereafter for Nepalese children near Himalaya region, building school and facilities that provide better education condition for local kids. His dead signified an end of a generation of expeditions that wrapped with rumors that he was not the first to reach the top in that era of mountaineering.

I didn't know who was Sir Edmund until I was interested in hiking. There are so much to talk about fierce competition between countries how to get their man as the first one to reach the highest point. Although Sir Edmund represented Untied Kingdom to reach the top, he was a New Zealander, a local hero of South Island, a place near Queenstown where my wife and I paid a tour last Summer. Anyone interested to see pictures of South Island, please click this http://picasaweb.google.com/GaliaShum/SouthIslandNewZealand?authkey=J3Sp0PrmB64 Sir Edmund is a local god that people worship him and his accomplishment. There passed another huge figure at least as we hikers see him in the hiking world.

Old But Swell

Just ended my visit with this frail (stomach cancer, end stage) but alluring lady as a hospice volunteer. Often I sensed frozen in time on the conversation with her, I ended up prolonging my visiting hours than intended scheduled. I'm enthralled by the fact there are so much wisdom by this captivating lady whose life is a Hong Kong story herself. She recounts may stories how respectful she was when doing various jobs. She often got praises for the works she rendered not because her duties any more nobler than others, in fact many are grunt works other despised, but her devotions won her praises from previous employers. Some of these former employers' progeny become regular visitors of this charming lady even their parents have long died. I enjoy my weekly visit and learn every time what it takes to make strides as a human. Of course she has other side of story that she is not proud and I'm glad she also share that with me, being recipient of many real life experiences which one of the reasons that I enjoy volunteering in hospice over six years.

一個電話掣的插座

最近我家轉了固網電話公司，但用了兩天後便失靈，工作人員在晚上九時進行修理，滿頭大汗個多鐘，發現了之前安裝員工用了另一間公司的插座，更換後仍失靈，原來自己公司是壞的，終於再換新的便通了。可謂皆大歡喜！經過一連串的檢測，一個簡單的插座便能扭轉乾坤。就好像最近有一位朋友告訴我，當她洞悉自己好勝的性格後，她和同事的關係也改善了。有時可能只是一粒沙便令人瞎了眼，但找到那粒沙，改變便不成問題了。

Coach Selene

Year End

Year End

Ear end usually is a time for reflection for what have we done past 12 months or 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600 minutes. Is it time important? It depends who you talk to. If you talk about concept of time to those have been through ups and downs in life, time is not necessarily as important as one thinks. If you talk to those have planned what lies ahead and are serious about the goals they set, time is smashingly important. What I learned in past years, in order to be fulfilled and joyful, one has to invest “attention” for what one wants to do. Not only that, one has to set goal, get feedback, prime challenge, ensuring that how to balance sagging nervousness resulting from stress and painless rot of daily routine. Both going to extreme can erode psyche energy that is important to perpetuate a normal life.

Let me take this break of turning old to new year to wishing everyone here a fruitful year ahead. Whatever you do and plan to do, be attentive not so much you lose the joy of life but enough to get what you want in life.

Keep Reading "Flow"

The section was talking about family. Some of the most rewarding or frustrated experiences one could have are result of family relationship. You have could a successful career but family usually is right up there as the number one priority especially when people looking back in life that how much they have missed by not being more with family members.

The core of family relationship lies with couples to which relationship is built and children look upon their parents as they search models in life from youngster, adolescent to young adult. Couple comprises to stay healthy is crucial and is a difficult task to maintain. Sustenance for marital relationship is a process both ma and pa must work hard on it. When two focus on each other, both must be change of habit to get the result of change they desire.Most know getting married requires a radical and permanent reorientation of the couple that suit the status from single to married. When a child added to the pair, that complicates the process triply that without conscious reflection of what role ma and pa are gonna be, it could derail the relationships as originally desired. All these conscious change and reflection take constant hard works. If a person is unwilling to adjust personal goals when starting a relationship as weighty as marriage, then a lot of what subsequently happens in that realtionshjp will produce disorder to a point that will derail the relationship itself. The book distincts outside and inside conditions that affect family. Outside condition encompasses family economic, materials, where to live, what profession of ma and pa. These are valued through the social norm that are weighty back in the minds of most people. The serenity lies with the inside condition where couple must look upon what they do is congruent what they believe and align with family members that create the bigger supporting background for inevitable adverse situations to come.

I like the quote by Cicero that to be completely free on must become a slave of a set of law. Personally it holds true to me. I know myself being mostly a desirous to be "free" person, the fact absolutely free is a ticket to "chaos" which is unthinkable for me in the past. The book cites examples how healthy marriage lasts, it's the commitment by ma and pa solemnly vowed to better, to worst, and to dealth that do them apart literally. By investing psyche energy (attention) to preserve the marriage is the best way as suggested by the author.

Autotelic/flow/optimal experience

Reading a book called Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I find terms called autotelic or flow or optimal experience essentially meaning one thing - state of happiness or enjoyment even in most daunting or horrifying conditions such as concentration camps, solidary confinements or paralytic medical complications. Some people are lucky few, unlike happiness eluding most population, they have certain rudiments of character that prompt happiness. They devote more psyche energy in exploring things they like to do in certain framework in mind which include things they enjoy doing must have goals, rules and feed backs. These framework allows people to push the standard to higher level which is essential to achieve the flow experience. Also they usually are brought up in the families which propose the 5C elements of building autotelic experience. These are:
Clarity - what parents expect of a child needs clearly expressed
Centering- parents are interested what children are doing than what they will be in the future
Choice - variety of possibilities children could choose including breaking parent's rules
Commitment - parents trust and allow the child to feel comfortable enough set aside the shield of his defenses and become unselfconsciously involved on things he is interested
Challenge - the parents' dedications to provide increasingly complex opportunity for action to their children

The book concluded that anyone can achieve autotelic experience which requires attention to building habits, investing psyche energy or attention in hobbies, sports, reading, art, music, even mundane routines that sometimes people find them rut. All these could make life enjoyable and take little resources apart from what we have already had. As parents, the 5C is some concept that is coinciding to coaching concept which worths parents to look into incorporating into their beings while kids are still young. It's never too late.

Gab with my son

It's been long time since my son and I have dinner alone without others together. What could be a better timing than wife is hiking in Nepal, young son touring in China, daughter outing with mates? This makes a wonderful break for Haywood and I chow down in my favorite Shanghais Restaurant in Happy Valley. We talked with no particular text and just shot breeze. Children grow by leaps and bounds. The fact I often hang around with family perhaps more than average dad is godsent luxury and blessing. The fact I run my own business have a lot to do with what I can do with my family. From the gab I endure with my children, I seldom find them bored. These kids don't fudge and mudge on subjects. What I babble, will get snappy come back in return. What else a dad can ask for!

Book Launch

It was a launch filled with closeness all around. Place was packed with people who from what I observed are genuinely happy for the event. Iris published her first book in which I played a tiny part as her coach. Vividly reminisce the day we met and later on agreed to stay in touch about the project, it seems like yesterday. Iris recounts of her experiences which is pictoric by MTR station map and different colors. What a novel idea! I read her book incessantly and enjoyed it a great deal. It takes boldness on Iris' part to unload her past in a way that she remains positive about the events. Iris conquered the ghosts as if it haunted her along. At a closer look, it provided most rewarding experiences she now treasures so much. A book like this is definitely a great way to share with others.

I'm happy for Iris as I would to all our friends who may encounter trials and tribulations that seem unbearable. On the flip side it could be blessing in disguise which is essential if we were to enjoy life in its fullness.

Riddles for Kids--Answers

1. A mouse. It squeaks.

2. A cheetah.

3. A starfish.

4. A pineapple.

5. The banana split.

6. It ran out of juice.

7. If you add 4 and 4, you get 8.

8. Because they have their own scales

9. When it is full.

10. Because she was all tied up.

Riddles for Kids

6. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

7. Why is it dangerous to do Math in the jungle?

8. Why fish is easy to weigh?

9. When is the moon heaviest?

10. Why couldn’t the mummy answer the telephone?

Riddles for Kids

1. What kind of animal needs oiling?

2. What animal breaks the law?

3. What fish is famous?

4. What kind of apple isn’t an apple?

5. What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

沒有遺憾

我的外公有十四個子女，外公外婆喪禮時，子女才一起回港，但是老人家未能生前一家團聚。我有兩兄弟和五個姊姊，我們被激發計畫就父母健在時兩三年一次家庭大團聚，這樣對父母便很有意思。今年十一月已是第三次。最後一晚我們請了親戚吃飯，飲宴中途，我們分享對父母的欣賞和感激，成為一個令父母深刻的晚上。雖然我每年都藉著父母生日和父母親節寫咭鼓勵他們，但是能夠和兄弟姊們一起向父母養育之恩表達埋在心里的感激，還是第一次，作為子女的我們，沒有遺憾。

Coach Selene

Oxfam Trailwalker 2007

I'll play different role this year's Trailwalker not as a walker but a supporter to my fellow hikers from HK Hiking Meetup. Looking back my past six tries, I hasten to add that I have enjoyed fellow hikers more than trail. Initially the breathtaking landscape of Sai Kung was really the reason into the trail. After years of practices and trekking in same spots, I would have thought the only constant elements that attract me is change of hikers every practice and trek. Hiking is exceptionally rewarding as emotional healing tool. For my clients and friends who are experiencing discomfort and distress, hiking is one of the best methods to relieve pain physically and emotionally alike. Coming back to the Trailwalker, I know guys who have been in the trail over 12 years starting in his 40's and now approaching 60. Isn't it amazing people who suppose to be called "papa, over-the-hill, elders, seniors" but result-wise these people among the fast hikers in any age group? Health with no limit , anyone could be as vigorous and vibrant as young chaps in twenties

與大自然連結

重陽節，我們幾個家庭大小共21人，經西部通道到達深圳華僑城「生態公園」渡過了很開 心的一天。沿途上，孩子玩水，用大塊樹葉玩 放船仔，拋石仔 ，澗 水，在大球場里玩飛碟，足球，跳繩，打羽毛球，吃冰棒‧‧‧可以大力呼吸清 新的 空氣，聞聞綠 葉的氣昧，沒有電腦和遊戲機的一天，孩子一樣是樂透了。與大自然連結，就是最簡單 ，最容易得到的樂 趣。

Coach Selene

祝福

最近有位朋友的女兒J(九個月大)患了惱膜炎，正在深切治療病房。這隻菌很頑劣，我們一班朋友往醫院探望J的父母，替他們打氣。我們每天都為這家庭祈禱，希望神每天為J畫出彩虹。

這事件也再一次題醒我：健康成長不是理所當然，幸福也不是必然。望著快九歲的兒子一天天長大，只有感激和珍惜。

Beatles

Beatles是流行音樂界的奇才，機乎每一首歌都令我聽出耳油，這個當然要介紹給我的兒子認識和欣賞。某天晚上，我們一邊吃晚飯，一邊聽Beatles的歌，他對於每首歌的主音歌手是John或 Paul甚感興趣，至於Ringo的傷風聲音，他已會辨別。我們一起談他們的才華和努力，Paul 如何欣賞John，John 的不幸被刺，兒子問其他三人有否放棄…等。從前他聽歌，今天他認識歌者的故事，我享受和兒子隨著他不同年紀產生不同的交流。翌日放學乘電梯回家時，他不其然哼起Eight Days a Week…我也不其然笑起來。

Coach Selene

曾國藩的故事

曾國藩是中國歷史上有影響的人物之一，然而他小時候的天賦並不高。有一天，他在家讀書，對一篇文章重複很多遍了，還在朗讀，因為他還没背下來。這時候，他家裡來了一個賊，潛伏在屋檐下，希望等讀書人睡覺之後撈點好處。可是，賊等啊等啊，就是不見他睡覺，還在翻來覆去地讀那篇文章。賊人大怒，跳出來說：「這種水平還讀什麼書？」然後將那篇文章背誦一遍，揚長而去！
賊人是很聰明，至少比曾先生要聰明。可惜，他的天賦沒有加上勤奮，變得不知所終。他只能成為賊。
勤能補拙，一分辛苦一分才。曾先生卻成為後人欽佩的人。

孟德斯鳩說：「將來，只屬於那些辛勤勞動的人。」高爾基也說：「要使理想的宮殿變成現實的宮殿，必須經過埋頭苦幹、不聲不響地勞動，一磚一瓦地去建造。」

上帝給予了天分，勤奮將天份變為天才。偉大的成功和辛勤的勞動是成正比的，有一分勞動就有一分收獲，日積月累，從少到多，奇迹就可創造出來。

coach Selene

200 Mark

I was ecstatic to receive notification that my hiking group broke 200 memberships since it's inception two years ago. Number is one thing but the influence it has to make more people hiking-induced certainly is the reason for joy.My hiking group has registered different culture, people of different origins. The good thing I can gleefully hike with like-minded people and chat with many different topics that are beyond my scope of knowledge.

Sometimes I purposely flout all hiking etiquette, if there is any, to allow more flow of free spirit that won't happen in other groups. I love this group and believe there are many years to enjoy hiking as a dose of healthy exercise. Hope many more will be attracted to hiking as a past time.

正羲俠士

今早醒來，快九歲的兒子爬上床來要玩正羲俠士 ( Justice League)。今天的孩子正留意新一代Bionicle—Mahri 何時抵港，他卻同我玩正羲俠士，我們是否有些不合時宜呢？其實幾年前，我和兒子已開始了暑假的早上在床上製作故事劇，故事人物有兇惡的野狗，這些野狗的心在連續劇集下會變得良善，正羲俠士執行公義時會幫助壞人良心發現，他們會在BBQ時收到命令，有時是烏龍笑話，創作無限…，今天他加插了Bionicle，但他已稱這個遊戲是Justice League。我猜不到他仍鍾情于這個遊戲，我也喜歡這個屬於我兩母子的時刻，正如兒子喜歡在星期六的早上爬上床找爸爸摔角一樣，形成了一種獨特的家庭關係。

coach Selene

Weekly Grocery

Never before appeal to me that grocery is a great way to get closer to my teenage sons and daughter. Although we talk often, not all subjects are of their interest. Once these kids choose what they want in snacks and in the process of grocerying, many more conversations resulted from snacks and foods that never come up before. What a weekly ritual!

Childhood

Received calls from hot line last night. One call is particularly heart wrenching. This guy in mid 20's has been depressed for a couple months. For some reasons, he has nightmare every time he sleeps that really bothers him a great deal. He rekindles his story where he was physically abused by grandma and uncle, while his parents were still in mainland (eventually parents got divorced, another blow!). He vividly recalled an instant where he was stripped bare, beaten and kicked out naked in front of dozen relatives. He recalls these realtives were laughing at the other side of door. He just couldn't let go with this instant that haunts him to this day. Frankly, this guy spoke eloquently and articulates his points very well. If inertia continue like this, he is worried what future lies with him. Sometimes trauma in childhood has done harm to many. Although this man has ability to survive, he nonetheless has been incapacitated by past experiences. Unless he repeals not represses all these bad experiences, he has a long way to go to become psychological sound again. Not feel well at all after hearing this call.

Feeling about feeling; thinking about thinking

Clients asked what are the best ways to tackle anxieties and frustration. I don't know about others. I use "thinking about thinking" and "feeling about feeling" to counter whatever situations where I feel frustrated and confused. These tools instantly give me space that helps evaluating what state of mind I make myself into. " Make myself into frustration and anger" - no joke, we make ourselves miserable and become victim of our own making.

每一個晚上

兒子每晚睡前，爸爸會與他看書，聊天，談男孩子有興趣的話題，如科學，Transformers，運動，高達，戲經，聖經...等。我也很喜歡和兒子的晚 間小聚，兒子仍喜歡聽我的即興攪笑短故事，或一起說笑，也談人生的道理，有時他會問我「今天有什麼開心和不開心」，如果當天我和他有些未解決的衝突，這是最佳的時刻坦白從寬，在漆黑的房里，大人小孩也較易放下尊嚴。他喜歡一起祈禱，可以回想值得感激的人和事，他一定會祈求的是「不發惡夢，一覺睡天光」。每 晚他就這樣心境平和入睡。有些晚上我很疲倦，想「休息一天」，但每當想到有一天他認為這些老友記時間是屬於孩童的時候，我便珍惜每一個晚上。

coach Selene

Commitment and Action

Have you ever wondered why we often make commitment that we deeply regret when the moment to fulfill them arrives?. We all do that. We agree to volunteer reading to kids and we look forward to that obligation even as we jot it in our diary. then when it actually comes time to gather books, plan the content for the event and ignore the fact there is a highly attractive hike on schedule, We wonder what we were thinking when we said yes. Well, here's what we were thinking; when we said yes we were thing about reading to kids in terms of why instead of how, in terms of causes and consequences instead of execution. and we failed to consider the detail part of the event. Reading to kids next month is "an act of love" and reading to kids on the day is "an act of lunch". It happens to me often that the commitment I put in diary a month ago has created anxiety when it comes to the actual execution of that commitment , which reminds me to be careful not to over commit for things that appears to be charitable but later could cause grieve.

有趣的研討題目

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ( Theodre Hesburgh)

為人父者能為子女所做的首要之事，莫過於愛他們的母親。(讀者文摘珠璣集)

為人父者同意嗎？

天下母親同意嗎？

這句說話存著什麼玄機？

coach Selene

Tweens to teens

Wife is returning this Friday from excursion in Tibet. In past 3 weeks I was playing dual roles as dad and mom. I must say it's a wonderful experience. After all being "a mom" is not as bad I thought. In fact, it's quite an enjoyable experience once I let kids determine their plan of actions. Observing as a coach, most kids have their routines, which form part of their lives. I must admit I would not concur some of them. Nonetheless, it's their life and I have confidence as long as we model as parents positively, most kids will find their ways to ride through most turbulent times from tween to teen.

What a day for hiking!

Yesterday was one the hottest days for outdoor activities. I scheduled a hike on Mac Trail 3 almost a month ago. It turned out only three hikers joining the trail. Not only that, two of them dropped in the midst of exhausting heat. Nevertheless, I finished the trail by myself and almost got killed with the sun beaming down from the top. I noticed visibility in Hong Kong has improved a bit lately. I could see clearly almost as far as Taipo from Saikung. That's something worth celebrating.

Secondary One Admission

Today is a big day for parents if they have kids who just graduated primary school. Parents will rush here and there to fill the spaces of secondary one. My son has got registered months ago and I was playing chicken not to wait till the selection of central lottery system which is devastating for many parents. Education to me is a life long passion, underline passion. If one doesn't have to passion and enjoyment of doing thing (anything), he won't feel energized to get up and do what he promises to do.

I look at education like playing ball, computer games, all these gadgets that are so popular amongst kids. I wish someone would invent a game where kids are so attracted to it and be able to learn language, mathematics, and science. Today's education is so out of touch for the interest of learning, particularly for kids, only a small percentage of lucky parents whose children are curious and driven to learn in traditional ways.

End of Life Care

Death is an inevitable part of life. When death occurs, everyone associated with the death are affected. Attending today's symposium allows me to look at death from different views. Studies have found most people lack of preparation leading to their own death. Perhaps, being Chinese we don't like to talk about it, although it's changing. Older people begin to accept the nature process of dying and many plan according to their needs much better than previous generations. Thanks to a group of professionals working in hospice, counseling, hospitalized care, death is no longer a taboo we avoid to talk about. In fact the more we talk about it the more we're prepared to face the inevitability. The fact we all die one day.There are several areas worth mentioning in dealing with impending death, the spirituality, support and self-esteem. These factors affect the acceptability of death, past related regret and future related regret. There are also clinical implication for family who could join patients quest for spiritual and existential meaning and life closure, or affirm the integrity and promotion of forgiveness.

Death, Dying and Bereaved

If you want to know from experts various ways to address, death, dying and bereavement, there are still limited seats for another symposium run by HKU Department of Behavioral Science. Here a list of topics that may interest you:
1. Suffering and Death Anxiety at the End-of-life
2. Attitude and Coping towords Death among Hong Kong Chinese
3. Learning about Forgiveness - Dealing with Grief
4. Inducing Hope to Hopless Bereaved persons

Please let me know by today.

Learned Helplessness

Still want to talk about the 'learned helplessness". The more I think about it the more I realize it is a dreadful disease affecting many of us, kids and adults. The symposium I attended, Dr Chiang has demonstrated a way to consciously attack learned helplessness so that one could maintain relatively positive view in life. This is how he did it.

A(Adversity)= think about an adverse situation that you feel either rejected or something that made you upset
B(Belief)= interpretation or belief that you assign to that situation has made you disappointed and you become helpless.
C(Commitment)= commit for a change of view that thing could be interpreted differently
D(Disputation)= dispute the situation or the intention behind that caused feeling of being rejected or dejected
E(Energize)= energize your new-found interpretation that could provide a more positive emotion in relation to the fact.

Ethnic Minorities

Helped to screen out ethnic minorities students this morning for IVE of Vocational Training Council. My impression Hong Kong is not doing enough to provide chance for these students who are mostly from ten to eleven schools that provide schooling for South Asians. Hong Kong has about 300,000 ethnic minorities who have been in Hong Kong for many years and who are HK residents. Over the years, sons and daughters of ethnic minorities have been educated and adapted local curriculumn. Somehow these kids have not adapted the Chinese thereby reducing their chances to get to local universities. As resulted, most become the laborers that you may notice from time to time in road and construction sites.I work with a couple agencies who help ethnic minorities and just heard a story this morning two brothers committed suicide within a week and left five orphans at hand of their mother. The grand mom , being an Indian has now burdened to deal with five youngsters aging from 2 to 7. Tragic or not, the fact we heard a great deal pain and suffering from ethnic Chinese, we may also ignore the fact there are large ethnic minorities population whose origins from countries like Indian, Pakistan, Nepal, Thai, Vietnam, etc.... that we are not doing enough.What is enough? I don't know.

Tele-meetups from ParentCoach Alliance

If you are interested to know how parental coaching works with kids, Bonnie Chan, Selene To and SK Shum are offering three tele-meetups to share our experiences as parents and coaches. We will also talk about the upcoming course “ Parent as Coach” sponsored by HKU-SPACE.

Please mark the following Wednesdays from 8:30 to 9:30 P.M for the meetups.

- August 15
- September 19
- October 17

For registration to join these meetups free of charge, please email to info@parentcoachalliance.com .

4th HK Palliative Care Symposium

Just chaired a sub-conference of the 4th HK Palliative Care Symposium in HKU yesterday. Dr John Chiang who is from Taiwan introduced therapeutic recreation skills to help kids to reduce anxieties on radio and scan treatments, a standard procedure for brain tumors. This young doctor has been spending his life to design games for young patients to detract them from normal hospitalized nightmares (rules, food, pain, loneliness, etc..) which cause much sufferings for kids as well as adults. Never seen an energy-filled young doctor as passionate Dr. Chiang. A couple of his methods could be used for adults in a dreadful disease called "learned helplessness" which becomes normal ways of life for people who couldn't look things on the flip side. As resulted, life becomes a drag.

Graduation

Another milestone! My youngest son graduated today as p6 student, officially only steps away to become a teenager. It's hard to imagine I have three teens under the same roof. Guarantee things will become very interesting. Today's parents have to catch-up with teens' gadgets inorder to appreciate why kids are so drawn to them, wii, ipod, camera, iphone(not yet), and play-station 3, not to mention their secretly hide-out online games. The more we familiarize with these games the more I find they are not all bad. In fact, many of these games are educational such as Runscape, a online game that allows player to practice different roles as in the real world. Players get a chance to decide what they like to do, as a warrior, a carpenter, a caretaker... so on. By how you manage your wealth, trade your tools, and interact with your friends and foes to determine whether you win or not. Interesting!

Habit

It's fun to write a bit everyday regardless how little. Rain has stalled my hiking activities past a couple of weeks. I still manage to run 8 kilometers everyday, again another habit in making. It's tough under condition of rain and shine. Nevertheless, it gives me ecstasy and energy filling me all day. Good grief!

SK

Revolutionary Wealth by Toffler

I was fascinated by the depth of this book. It put me off guard as I go by my business without knowing the world has changed so fast, too fast for me to do catching up. My children's future is no longer the same. How wealth created is beyond my imagination. The flow of money and information that revolutionize the world will speed up. Those who maintain "old way" of thinking will be thrown off the train, a very frightening experience. Some of kinky morale issues that are difficult to accept as parents will remain the struggles between generations. That is something really bothering parents at one end to accept the reality our children are greatly influenced by these info-dynamic cultures, very little thing that we can do but change our views that hopefully place us in a better light in dealing with kids.Nevertheless a wonderful book for those who want to be rudely awaken to a new world.

Parent as Coach 怎樣成為一位親子教練
Course Start Date 開課日期: 07 Nov 2007
SE 28-064-27 (71)

課程簡介
本 課 程 的 設 計 ， 是 為 人 父 母 者 ， 又 同 時 有 興 趣 成 為 教 練 ， 或 把 教 練 學 應 用 在 親 子 關 係 上 的 人 士 而 編 寫 。 課 程 內 容 包 括 ： 教 練 學 基 礎 何 謂 親 子 教 練 ？ 為 何 和 如 何 行 得 通 ？ 怎 樣 和 子 女 使 教 練 過 程 成 為 樂 趣 ？ 運 用 REAP 模 式 幫 助 父 母 聆 聽 , 發 問 和 建 立 子 女 父 母 間 的 信 任 產 生 醒 悟 力 ， 與 子 女 設 計 行 動 和 訂 立 目 標 認 識 教 練 學 的 談 話 如 何 有 效 地 幫 助 父 母 和 被 子 女 接 納 ？ 教 練 學 實 習

導師 : 沈 士 基國 際 教 練 協 會 主 席
上課時間 : 逢 星 期 三 晚 上 6 時 30 分 至 9 時 30 分
堂數 : 5
教學語言 : 廣 東 話
學費 : $1,050

報 名 及 繳 費
有 關 網 上 報 名 服 務 詳 情
請 填 妥 報 名 表 格 (SF26)，連 同 劃 線 支 票 或 證 明 文 件 ， 親 自 遞 交 或 郵 寄 至 各 報 名 中 心 。
付 款 方 法

source: http://hkuspace.hku.hk/web_course/course_list.php?parent_seq=457&col=&sort=&content=eng&keyword=&start=20

至死不渝的愛情

農曆新年過後不久，一個老人家在妻子死後一天才報警，報章記者因此採訪他而報導了一個真實而動人的故事。

原來老公公的妻子患了癱瘓症，老公公每天都用木頭車推她外出。他們喜歡跳舞，他就會推她的妻子去跳舞。有一天，她的妻子說：「假如有一天我先逝去，我想你陪我一晚才報警。」

情人節快到了，記者問他怎樣渡過，他說：「我會在餐廳如常訂兩個位，也會買枝玫瑰花放在木頭車上，推往餐廳，因為她喜歡跳舞。」

Coach Selene

少年往事

我在一個偶然的機會，看了一套中國電影「少年住事」，片中描述一對少年男女主角在學校內外的生活和純真友誼。拍攝之地是充滿歐陸色彩的青島。如果回到少年時，我也十分嚮往那種自由，純真和大自然。雖然主角是學生，但與「小孩不笨」的演譯不一樣，片裏談的是兩個少年的夢想和友情。他們課餘時一起一邊清潔課室，一邊聊天。一架破舊的老爺車和一隻被棄置的木船也可帶來簡單的樂趣( simple pleasures)。一個醉心音樂的小子嘗試作曲，好朋友說不好聽…這份坦白很可愛。好朋友為追隨夢想離開家園，音樂小子依依不捨支持她。從此天各一方，再沒相見，但都實現了自己的夢想，同時也忘不了一段少年往事。

我也被這個故事和拍攝深深吸引著，仿佛進入了少年人的夢想和對關係的憧景，但願天下少年人也擁有這份自由和空間去做夢，有支持者同行，實現理想。

"The Five Love Languages of Children"

Love Language # 1: Physical Touch

Love Language # 2: Words of Affirmation

Love Language # 3: Quality Time

Love Language # 4: Gifts

Love Language # 5: Acts of Service

"The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell

巴士上兩母子

有一天我乘巴士，一坐下便看見和聽到對面座位上一個母親正向著一個少年人喋喋不休，內容大確是如何如何運用暑假，和想法的種種原困。從談話內容可知道那少年人該是她的兒子，初中生。他的母親一面說，他就一直低下頭，眼珠橫掃四週，樣子看來有些尷尬，但仍然很有耐性地聽，直至下車。下了車，我看見那個兒子終於有 機會發言。

有時這些情景猶如一面鏡，幫助自己提高 警惕，親子溝通就是溝通，有來 有往，有講有聽，那怕是公眾場所也不是問題。

Parent and child

Quotes:

The quickest way for a parent to get child's attention...is to sit down and look comfortable.

The moment you have children, you forgive your parents...everything.

"Furry Logic" by Jane Seabrook

April 12

Finally got my site published. The majority of work lied heavily in gathering of information. Yesterday was one heck of good day, having some sort of spiritual experiences that haven't come around for a long time. I felt like a bout of power running through my spine and ended up at the tip of my head. it happened when I completed my 18-kilo run last night. Good also the sharing I had in fellowship last night which talked about Luke 4 when JC was doing those miracles. It really hit me for the first time that I enjoy the fellowship so much, although a bit intellectual I enjoyed it nevertheless.

serenitycoaching

serenitycoaching

Finally got my site published. The majority of work lied heavily in gathering of information. Yesterday was one heck of good day, having some sort of spiritual experiences that haven't come around for a long time. I felt like a bout of power running through my spine and ended up at the tip of my head. it happened when I completed my 18-kilo run last night. Good also the sharing I had in fellowship last night which talked about Luke 4 when JC was doing those miracles. It really hit me for the first time that I enjoy the fellowship so much, although a bit intellectual I enjoyed it nevertheless.

一個青少年的改變

兩年前，我是一個青少年J的教練，她當時是一間著名女子中學的F.2學生，她無心向學，成績退步，喜歡三五成群吃喝玩樂，令父親十分擔心。在教練過程里，她漸漸明白學科上的困難令她逃避多於正視，也清楚自己喜歡吃喝玩樂的想法不設實際，後來她重新調整自己讀書的態度，習慣和方法，重新計劃自己在當時階段的目標，今天她F.4 了，她學會不怕別人的眼光，選讀了自己喜歡和有信心的科目。她在去年十一月送了一張卡片給我，原來是她畫的畫，很漂亮和時代感，我還請她在畫上簽上大名。今年新年假期完結前一天，她仍隨著爸爸去拜年，她真是一位令我另眼相看的青少年。

怪不得有謂：改變的第一步是接納。

The first step toward change is acceptance… (Will Garcia)

不吃肉的鱷魚

「從前，有一隻鱷魚叫小鱷，牠很特別的，牠不吃肉，但牠只會吃菜和生果。牠的顏色也和鱷魚不一樣的，牠的顏色是橙色的。很多的鱷魚都說牠不是一隻鱷魚，小鱷很不開心。有一次，很多隻鱷魚又說小鱷不是一隻鱷魚，小鱷說：「但每個人天生不是一樣的，例如一種人天生就有病，他們的頭會很大。所以我和你們不一樣，顏色不一樣，吃不一樣，都是可以的。」這些鱷魚終於都明白每個人的天生都是不一樣的。所以每隻鱷魚都做了小鱷的好朋友。」

「不吃肉的鱷魚」取自某學校的「我的日誌」( My Daily Log)，學生是一位剛滿八歲的男孩子周子祈 ( L )。後來，我問他…

我：甚麼令你寫了這個故事？

L：其實有種東西通常都會做某樣事，但不等於地球上所有那種東西都會做那樣的事。

我：你可以說多些或舉一些例子嗎？

L：世界上許多人做同一樣事，但也有人不做。例如男人許多都喝咖啡，但也有男人不喝。許多人都吃肉，但也有人不吃肉。

我：那麼對於人和人之間，你是否有甚麼看法？

L：一個人和另一個人一定有些分別。

我認識這個孩子，他很容易和別人做朋友，可能因為他沒有給自己和別人一個框框。他也曾表達希望身邊的人(包括父母)接受「他就是他」，「他不是別人的他」。

我喜歡看孩子的文章，圖畫，和他們交談，因為他們都有自己獨特的心聲，帶來驚喜，也啟發我和孩子的相處。假如一個八歲孩子也懂得這個道理，這道理該不怎樣複雜，小孩子的心就是如此簡單。

To err is human

Many parents who try to save their children from making mistakes have good intentions. They want to protect their children from pain, disappointment, and embarrassment. While protecting their children from pain of mistakes, they rob them of self-confidence, of a positive attitude about mistakes, and of skills that could be learned from making mistakes.

Parenting is a growing process for parents as well as for their children. When parents learn to let go by allowing mistakes, they allow their children to develop according to their uniqueness – rather than trying to mold them into someone that parents want them to be.

In addition, some parents are afraid their children will make the kinds of mistakes that could “ruin” their lives. One example that I felt so strongly happened to my client’s son, David who was 13 and got caught stealing in one of the convenient stores in Causeway Bay last year. Cost of the stolen item was eleven dollars. My client received a call from the police in the middle of night and was told David got caught stealing red handed. I was asked to come along with my client to the station, as she didn’t know what to do, neither did I.

My client sobbed all the way to the station and worried to death that her son might be prosecuted. The story didn’t turn out that way. Her son got released on one condition that he wouldn’t steal again. If he were to commit stealing again, he certainly would be prosecuted and be put on trial. Weeks after the event, I managed to coach David. He described the horrible feeling he had when he was placed in the cell with other adults. Being put away and spent a night in the cell was a strong enough message for David that he would never want to be placed in the same situation again.

Many parents would argue, “But I can’t let my child make that sort of mistake that could really hurt him.” The example given perhaps a bit too much for most parents. Of course we have to use common sense. We don’t want our children to learn from the mistake of running into a busy street. Nevertheless, too many parents use “need to protect” excuse, which creates more damage than good.

Other parents are more concerned with their own reputations than with the growth of their children. They’re afraid that their children’s mistakes reflect on them: “I’m so embarrassed about what you’ve done. What will people think?” We may never know what other people think, but we do know that children feel conditionally loved in such a situation. Their self-esteem diminishes, and they’re more likely than ever to compound their mistakes rather than to learn from them. However, when our children are more important than “what other people think,” we might ask, “What was that experience like for you?”

What Do Mistakes Mean to You As Parents?

Before we can teach our children the value of mistakes, we need to see their value ourselves. Usually to do this means examining the way we’ve handled mistakes in the past. It’s not easy to admit making mistakes and react to them in more positive lights.

One of the best ways to teach our children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn is to practice this principle ourselves. When we make mistakes, we can either feel inadequate, humiliated and like a failure or we can look for the opportunities to learn.

Instead of perpetuating feelings of judgment and guilt by focusing on the mistake itself, our children would learn infinitely more if we taught them to evaluate how they feel about the result of their decision (in above example, David got caught in stealing), to understand what the result was and how it came about (David was put in the cell spending a night with other adults), and to determine what they might do differently to achieve a different result next time (David would think twice or three times before committing stupid acts again). We can use this same process to evaluate our own mistakes.


Our illusionary fears about mistakes disable our children, and us but the ability to learn from mistakes is encouraging – and enhances our relationships, Mistakes are a small price to pay for the valuable lessons that can be learned. Give yourself and your children a break and remember, “ In Parenting, Mistakes are wonderful Opportunities to learn.”

Coach SK

父母奧斯卡

每年我都看奧斯卡頒獎禮，因為我喜歡看見別人努力的成就和成果，有些人努力了几十年，從沒贏過奧斯卡獎，例如作曲家 Ennio Morricone，他有很多出色的作品，包括燴炙人口的「獨行俠」，今年獲終生成就獎，成就被認同，出現動人的一幕。

其實人群中，每個人都有其個人長處和才能，身為父母也不例外，有些擅長攪笑，有些是運動，或文學，管理，人際關係，烹飪，美學，芸術，性格上誠實，負責任，愛心，真誠，寬宏大量，心胸廣闊，正面積極，堅毅，溫文…等等。可能父母半生也憑著自己的理念和人格努力撫育孩子成材，心底里，希望有一天子女會給自己一個獎項，並非自己是十全十美的父母，只是自己是努力的父母，希望子女欣賞。同樣地，一個青少年也想父母給自己一個獎項，並非自己是十全十美的子女，只是自己是父母的孩子，希望獲父母的鼓勵。

Impact of Parents

A 6-year-old son asked his mother a question during dinner time.

Son : "mom, can I not forgive a classmate?"

Mom: "why do you ask this question?"

Son : "because Tom always bullies classmates. Then he will say sorry in a casual manner and demand his classmates to forgive him. But he will repeat the same thing again and again…"

Then we had a good discussion in this topic. At the end,

Mom: "If you could do one thing to help to change the situation, what would that be?"

I appreciate my son for being real to his struggles. A lot of times, we being the parents feel that we are in the battle everyday. The kids do. Once they involve in a social circle, they have to learn how to relate to people. It's also time to reflect the values and focus of the adults (an eye for an eye/ avoid it/ deal with it…) when we are helping them. We, as parents, have an incredible impact in raising our kids.You are welcome to give your feedback and enquiries.mailto:enquiries.info@parentcoachalliance.com

親子教練式示範 「溝通技巧」研討會

以親子教練式示範 「溝通技巧」研討會及現場示範 (5PS-06) 由ParentCoach作者Coach Bonnie and Coach SK主持

內容: 講座及示範親子教練學

1. 何為親子教練？


2. 造成與子女磨擦的主因。


3. 不同類別 「溝通」之間的差別。


4. 「 教練學」對 「溝通」的理解。


5. 父母如何演變成子女的教練。

曰期:2006年9月12日(二)
時間: 晚上7:00至9:00
場地: 香港曰本會, 銅鑼灣軒尼詩道500號興利中心38樓
費用:$100

如欲知詳情，可瀏覽網址: http://www.parentcoachalliance.com/ 或張小姐25776161聯絡

What makes you a Happy Parent?

Discussion : What makes you a happy parent?

1. Parents group :
a. Accept who they( kids) are
b. Understand their needs, guide them to make some goals + self-motivated
c. Parents need to be happy, full of mission.
d. Serenity in Parents’ state of mind.

2. Kids group :
a. Consistency of the parents
b. Parents: walk the talk
c. Playful parents so that kids and Parents will have fun together.
d. Emotional stability of the parents.
e. Parents will appreciate and praise the kids
f. Parents will share both good and bad news


Demonstration :

1. Observation on the Coach :
a. Able to communicate
b. Clarification through questioning
c. Helped the coachee to reflect her own situation
d. Not giving the answer
e. Let the coachee speak more

2. Observation on the Coachee
a. Owned the solution


Q&A
1. Are there different coaching skills to different age groups?
2. How to identify the goals during the process?
3. In what situations that the coach can express his/her viewpoints?