To err is human

Many parents who try to save their children from making mistakes have good intentions. They want to protect their children from pain, disappointment, and embarrassment. While protecting their children from pain of mistakes, they rob them of self-confidence, of a positive attitude about mistakes, and of skills that could be learned from making mistakes.

Parenting is a growing process for parents as well as for their children. When parents learn to let go by allowing mistakes, they allow their children to develop according to their uniqueness – rather than trying to mold them into someone that parents want them to be.

In addition, some parents are afraid their children will make the kinds of mistakes that could “ruin” their lives. One example that I felt so strongly happened to my client’s son, David who was 13 and got caught stealing in one of the convenient stores in Causeway Bay last year. Cost of the stolen item was eleven dollars. My client received a call from the police in the middle of night and was told David got caught stealing red handed. I was asked to come along with my client to the station, as she didn’t know what to do, neither did I.

My client sobbed all the way to the station and worried to death that her son might be prosecuted. The story didn’t turn out that way. Her son got released on one condition that he wouldn’t steal again. If he were to commit stealing again, he certainly would be prosecuted and be put on trial. Weeks after the event, I managed to coach David. He described the horrible feeling he had when he was placed in the cell with other adults. Being put away and spent a night in the cell was a strong enough message for David that he would never want to be placed in the same situation again.

Many parents would argue, “But I can’t let my child make that sort of mistake that could really hurt him.” The example given perhaps a bit too much for most parents. Of course we have to use common sense. We don’t want our children to learn from the mistake of running into a busy street. Nevertheless, too many parents use “need to protect” excuse, which creates more damage than good.

Other parents are more concerned with their own reputations than with the growth of their children. They’re afraid that their children’s mistakes reflect on them: “I’m so embarrassed about what you’ve done. What will people think?” We may never know what other people think, but we do know that children feel conditionally loved in such a situation. Their self-esteem diminishes, and they’re more likely than ever to compound their mistakes rather than to learn from them. However, when our children are more important than “what other people think,” we might ask, “What was that experience like for you?”

What Do Mistakes Mean to You As Parents?

Before we can teach our children the value of mistakes, we need to see their value ourselves. Usually to do this means examining the way we’ve handled mistakes in the past. It’s not easy to admit making mistakes and react to them in more positive lights.

One of the best ways to teach our children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn is to practice this principle ourselves. When we make mistakes, we can either feel inadequate, humiliated and like a failure or we can look for the opportunities to learn.

Instead of perpetuating feelings of judgment and guilt by focusing on the mistake itself, our children would learn infinitely more if we taught them to evaluate how they feel about the result of their decision (in above example, David got caught in stealing), to understand what the result was and how it came about (David was put in the cell spending a night with other adults), and to determine what they might do differently to achieve a different result next time (David would think twice or three times before committing stupid acts again). We can use this same process to evaluate our own mistakes.


Our illusionary fears about mistakes disable our children, and us but the ability to learn from mistakes is encouraging – and enhances our relationships, Mistakes are a small price to pay for the valuable lessons that can be learned. Give yourself and your children a break and remember, “ In Parenting, Mistakes are wonderful Opportunities to learn.”

Coach SK